So…being at my wits end i feel like being brutally honest and scream for help through the interwebnet.  At the minute i don’t care how it affects me, who i’m afraid of will find this and not want to talk to me or people finding it and making fun of me- i’m gonna keep typing and not worry about how wracked with guilt that i’ve betrayed myself and how embarrassed i’ll be in the morning.  

This is me.  I have been told by doctors  that i have either psychotic depression or paranoid schizophrenia.  The latter is not, i repeat, NOT a multiple personality disorder.  It’s the dissociation from the world.  I guess that’s why i always say i live on a different plane from most people, because as much as i try to be part of the present and form lasting bonds with people i inevitably end cause i never feel quite confident they’ll accept me when i tell them about my past.  My past is that i have suffered from anxiety.  I had a breakdown at 19 and was in and out of hospital for depression and other associated stuff for maybe one year? maybe longer than that but i think it was just about a year.  What really helped me was CBT or Cognitive Bahavioural Therapy.  Saved me.  Really saved me.  I was attending pretty regularly a while and just like in a film i saw once, like the way i got sick finally accepting myself and coming through it happened the same “Slowly, then suddenly.”  The thing is i feel like i’m spiralling again.  Not the same way as before at all.  But in a way that i feel i’ve felt with some issues that were more prominent in the past and now new ones are coming up.  I’m comfortable i suppose with my personality and the thing is now with how i see myself on the outside.  Someone i thought accepted me made his true feelings known of how he sees me.  Which just plain sucks to hear.  I hate this body but i’m trying not to relapse to certain old ways.  But i don’t have the strength forever so i’m just gonna keep busy- hence the oddness of me typing this.  I feel like i’m under the black cloud again and true to form i’m back to being the actress people used to say but waiting impatiently for a long shower every night to cry out my pain or in another room where i know i won’t be disturbed.  Which is hard when you live with 3 boys.  One being your boyfriend.  I’m sitting across from him right now and he doesn’t really know what’s happening with me.  I don’t know if that’s actually true and i’m fooling him or i’m fooling myself cos it’s another person i feel i want to open up to but i don’t have the words or strength to know where to begin.  Do you think all mental health problems are related?  I mean i know i can’t just decide one- cos God knows i didn’t want what i went through but i was confident i’d left my darkness behind me with talking therapy and tablets.  Scares me how i’ll be affected in the future.  I’ve put my family and friends through hell- and lost a lot of them cos of it.  Don’t blame them.  My bf knows everything but i’m thinking now is it a good or bad thing that he’s not saying anything about my new problems buzzing in my head.  He didn’t really notice at dinner.  

I don’t want to ask for help but obviously that’s what people will try to do.  That i’m sure makes no sense to anyone who’s reading that.  I’m trying to say i wanna be left alone but at the same time i’m so unhappy i can’t be left alone cos it’s so empty.  I’m sorry for making your eyes read this far if you have.  Just needed a distraction.  I mean really, i can’t pinpoint anything in my life so why do i feel so disconnected?  I’m utterly pathetic.

Sigh.  I’m sorry.